hold your horses, yes, hold your horses, please.

jmo1283l.jpgits official. i am tactless.

a while ago, i was talking to my officemate (a self-confessed gay) about random work related topics (which i dont do very much often because… well, because i am too lazy to get out of my office chair once i sat on it).  anyway, we ended up talking about one of the higher management people who was asking us (the middle management) for a videoconference the following day and the hidden agenda about the said meeting.

“your promotion, perhaps?” i told him.

“hah! he just gave me a bad kick on the butt this afternoon for some closing related issues related to my section.  so no, i will disappoint you by saying its definitely not my promotion.”

“maybe he’s gonna resign.”

he laughed. “now that would be some news. but i do not like him to resign.  he might be really impossible at times but admit it, you wouldn’t want him to resign.”

yes, of course, he is quite an unconventional boss.  and no, i do not want him to resign.  we work extremely well together.  i told my officemate so. 

“yes… he’s quite unconventional.  very bitchy.” he said and laughed.

and without second thoughts at all, i just splurted out, “…well, but of course, that is how gay people are.”

i said it without blinking my eye, or pausing for drama or any hint of hesitation in my voice.  i said it like the way i would say, “yes, the earth is round.”  there was no sarcasm in my voice (oh, i would be the first to know if there is).  for me, it neither sound negative or positive; i said it like i was stating a fact.  but the moment it came out, i realized all the wrong reasons for saying it.   i didn’t mean it to sound insulting or complementing, but must i have to say it to a self confessed gay?  “gay people can be bitchy and tolerable.  its an advantage.”  i quickly added.  but the damage was done.

the gay, being gay, laughed out loud.  i wasnt sure if it was my follow up statement that saved me or if he viewed my former statement the way i have intended.  i knew it didn’t offend him because we have continued talking about it for a while and has long jumped to other topics before we finally said goodbye few minutes ago (because i am already very tired and would like to get my overworked fingers off the keyboard). 

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not too long ago, i have made a casual remark to a fellow manager about her pregnancy.  i asked her if she’s carrying a girl and she said that no, she’s expecting a baby boy and asked me why.  and again, automatically, i replied, “well because you look blooming these days, not haggard-looking at all.”

now that would sound like i always find her tired and haggard and that she badly needs to get herself impregnated first before that would change.  but i didn’t meant it the way it sounded.  it was a very popular belief that if one is carrying a girl, the woman would be beautiful, blooming and glowing. otherwise, she would rather be always haggard-looking or stressed.  i do not know who populated that belief. i find it rather really stupid now.  it is not that i believe it myself but a lot of pregnant women do happen to follow that condition.  but obviously, this particular pregnant woman looked the opposite.  

it is just so embarassing to say something and it comes out differently than you intended it to be. 

this does not happen often.  but when it does, it is always with people who are not my friends (acquaintances are not, i consider, friends). 

oh well, i wonder why that should worry me now.  i am always awfully frank with people who know me well.  perhaps that is the reason why i do not have so many friends; i am particularly not a very likeable girl.

and that, doesn’t even worry me at all.

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