letter #2


He was so drunk, wasn’t he? It was like watching Caster in a different light. Did I ever tell you I had this huge crush on him during my first day at work? He had this face you just wanted to stare at. I guess I haven’t told you; but I know you are familiar that more than half of the single female population at the office had, at one point, fantasized about him.

Is he always like that when he’s drunk? I am not shocked, really. My barkada behaved more or less the same, and getting more terrible as with the rise of the alcohol content and the deeper the night gets. You should have warned him to take some dinner, at least. You and Caster, you are so unlike each other but it amazes me how you manage your friendship. I know you were just good-timing me when you both proclaimed you hated each other that is why you work so well together. It is not hard to see a good friendship; and you both have it. I remember my barkada, and I am worried I am drifting farther from them. It is not something that is beyond my control. Funny, when I really think about it hard, Miguel, I drift far from them in my own accord. Do not ask me why, I simply do not know right now. Perhaps, I would know before I can really make a very stupid mistake. You know how I seem to always make stupid mistakes, I told you about them a while ago, didn’t I?

You told me about Metallica and how you worshipped them. I am never really keen with rock bands but at that point I wished I know more about Metallica than the fact that they are really one popular band. I had searched them in the internet after you dropped me off and wondered which of the albums you still didn’t have. I am picturing you now, that light on your face when you talked about your old days. Oh, how fun it would have been if I knew you way back then. I am sure I would have liked you as much as I do now.

You asked me if I smoked or if I even tried smoking. I told you I don’t and I don’t have plans starting that nasty habit. There was a smirk on your face as you lit your nth cigarette. I pushed you playfully and pressed an explanation. You didn’t give me any. Didn’t the grin on your face went wider and wider as I lectured you about lung cancer, second hand smoke, and nicotine? “Stop mocking me, Miguel.” I told you, didn’t I?

“I am not mocking you.” You answered and puffed out smoke.

“You have that nasty grin on your face.” I pointed out and pouted.

You said you were not grinning but smiling, and that you are touched I accompanied you outside the bar so you can smoke. I told you it is my pleasure for I do not want to get stuck with Caster in his terrible, drunken state. He does misbehave when he’s wasted, doesn’t he? And speaking of Caster, I asked you if you want us to go back inside and check if he is still in one piece.

There was something in your answer, Miguel that my heart skipped a beat and my stomach tied a knot. I had felt something so elementary and yet so powerful that it built a lump on my throat. You didn’t say a word; you merely looked straight at me and shook your head. That moment was magical for me that when I saw something in your eyes, I hold on to it until it disappeared; not taking time to stop and re-evaluate what it could have meant. I knew words were unnecessary but I felt I have to say something and so I said, “Okay.” You smiled at me and started talking about how you always admire the guitarist in a band. The spell was broken, yes, but I was never made the same.

And while Caster was busy screaming at nobody in particular in the passenger seat on our way home, you asked me if it was okay if you’ll lay your head on my shoulder. And I said I don’t mind but you’re gonna get stiffed neck but you said it is alright. That, you can manage. And I begin to wonder if there was something else you cannot.

But this is not a time for questions, Miguel. Perhaps, there will never be.

author’s note: A fear flashes on her face and for a while, it stayed there, enveloping here. She wasn’t ignorant; she is familiar with this newly found feeling. And it is getting too real for her to bear. Was she just hallucinating it? The power of the mind is limitless, boundless of any inhibitions once it is awaken. It can take a picture and evaluate it differently. The mind can be selfish, as the body is. And this selfishness can mislead the mind. And I worry for her, for the days to come that she will realize this for a fact and will be too weak to challenge it.

*jump back to letter #1


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