multiple paper cuts

last night, she asked me if I was ready to meet God.

i didnt quite know if she was asking it because she so badly wanna know or because she wants to find out we feel the same way about meeting Him.

i’m kinda scared, she said. that also wasn’t so clear to me. having her said that, i reflected whether she meant that she’s scared meeting God or she’s scared she will never meet Him.

it was a little funny to find her scared. it was even funnier to find her asking that. it wasn’t just one of those things that could possibly worry her so. she has big dreams and an even bigger hope of better things to come. her intricacies surprise me at times, her views made me ponder. and she never worry.

we are really unlike in many ways. i, for one, wants a better life. she wants to make a difference. i just wanna enjoy my life and pay my bills. she wants to discover new oceans and embarks on new challenges quite impulsively. i just wanna get married at 25 (of which never happened), bear four kids, send them off to college, and watch their children grow up. she planned on starting her shelter foundation at age 30, get those streetchildren off the streets and teach them how to live.

she has scarier dreams. and she wasn’t worried.

and now this.

because i didn’t answer her, she asked me again if I was ready to meet God. And that indeed if I am not, don’t i think i should start getting prepared? things are not looking really good, she said.

and because it was getting so late and i was still halfway from finishing a very important report, and that i am expected at the office to arrive on time for a change, i told her i do not know.

i do not know if i am ready to meet God. if ever i was. or if ever i will be. and that i do not know if i should be scared. scared of meeting Him, scared of not meeting Him, or scared of the fact that i am not scared.

the dreamer in me gave a horror look. that is very terrible, she said.

i know. i told her.

i really am scared, she repeated. and i cannot make it go way.

i lay in bed helplessly. what am i supposed to do? between the two of us, she is the stronger one.

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