dominoes effect

i am addicted to addiction.

the object of my fixation does changes but there was never a time in 20 years (i cannot remember my life before i was 6 years old) i was not addicted to something.

there was the cheap barbie copycat when i was 6. the math problems when i was 8. moses yen when i was 10. writing cheap stories when i was 11. paopao all throughout my high school (he was such a bastard- only falling in love with me when i got over him already). dieting (starving was more like it), guys, accounting, problems, chatting, and god knows what else in college. deo at 20. work at 23. alcohol at 24.

and it was not even beer. it was hard liquor and apperitif. both expensive and damaging. i have watched friends drink straight from a jose cuervo tequila bottle but nobody gulped a bottle of campari in one sitting.

i did.

i cannot remember now why i did that. but i know someone was responsible.

and by then, i was losing touch of people who were supposedly my friends. and the ones that i am quite positive are my friends were marrying off one by one. i turned to traveling because i do not want to end up a miserable drunk before i even turn 30. i am my most responsible self in the company of strangers. but the strangers i met drank like hell and there were no books left to read in the evenings. whereas, alcohol is always in strong supply.

but nothing is indispensable, alcohol included. i got over it when i started diving. i still get sloshed sometimes but i have never gulped a 750ml bottle of hard liquor in one sitting for whatever reason again.

but now, i cannot stop diving.

how do i feel? i feel like i have been wearing different shoes (ballet shoes, football shoes, tae bo shoes, running shoes, beach slippers, hiking shoes, winter boots) since i was 6 but still dancing the same old music.

there’s nothing wrong with that, i guess.

one must face one’s demons when one is ready. until then, whatever rocks one’s boat.


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