letter #4: elation


My eyes have become slaves of your presence; restless until it can finally catch a glimpse of you, alive and breathing. If this has to go on like this, Miguel, you would cost me my job.

And when I finally see you in the cafeteria eating lunch with your colleagues, you brightened this day and the days to come. You were wearing black. I remember the email exchanges we had yesterday, and how I told you that you look superb in black shirt, and that you should get rid of your light-colored ones. And this was what you said, “Gracias. I should have a garage sale tomorrow and sell all the light colored shirts.”

I know this is elementary, Miguel. But seeing you wearing a black shirt again just killed me. Do you not know this elation that you put me into? Chrissa was asking what was it that made me smile all of the sudden, because the smile just won’t go away. But how does one explain something beautiful like this without giving away a secret? How can one talk about someone in detailed without giving away so much? You are my secret, Miguel, and I would want to keep you that way for the meantime.

When I kidded you later about the garage sale “ending early” and that it must have been very easy getting rid of your light-colored shirt, you replied in a wicked humor “What are you? A stalker?”

I wish that I can stalk you, so I can fall out of this euphoria as fast as I fell into it.

I did tell you that I am not stalking you yet and that if I was indeed stalking you, I would know better information that that, and “believe me, Miguel, you do not want me to stalk you.” And you replied that perhaps you want to and I didn’t know whether or not you meant it. I fancy you want me to take you seriously; and if I have a choice, I will take you seriously. But with that choice comes a consequence and I do not think I want to risk on the consequence, you know. So, I guess and that perhaps, it is better that way; not knowing the real meaning of what was said. It is much safer at this stage for I do not want to raise any false hope in our friendship, Miguel.

I caught you watching me today and you smiled when I did. And I began to wonder if it was the first time that you were watching me. Have you been watching me when I am not looking, and why? Is my transparency finally revealing itself to you, Miguel? Can you see the transformation that takes place whenever you are around? I laugh louder with you, you must have noticed that. If you could only look inside my head and see the memories of you piling up, you would be surprised to find that most of them contained the laughter we shared.

What was it that Shakespeare said— “When I saw you I fell in love, and you smiled because you knew.” ?

You are the best thing since sliced bread, Miguel. And with the speed of how I am getting attached to you, there is bigger probability that I could forego the sliced bread and starve to death.

I would not mind. Thoughts of you can resurrect me to eternity.

author’s note: Witnessing an attraction blossoming into something bigger, something more profound is like watching a larva turned into a chrysalis and finally into a butterfly; you can never get over the wonders of life. They are building a wonderful friendship, a friendship that neither thought very straightforward. A friendship that sprouted out from an attraction stronger than physical and yet, both were unsure how to go about it. From the looks of her, she love the effect of him on her; and from the looks of him, this was not an unknown truth.

And I wonder now if they knew they are playing a very dangerous game.

letter #3: anticipation
letter #2: discovery
letter #1: birth


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