letter #5: fear


What is so funny about having an allergic rhinitis over dust, cigarette smoke, and perfume? I know it is a stupid allergy, but I have it and I guess I just have to deal with it, you know. While you were laughing about the characteristics of this allergy, I told you I remember something funny. That I used to date a guy way back college who probably hoarded all the perfume bottles in the department store by the amount of usage he takes on every day in the hope if curing me from this nonsense, irrelevant illness (He did call this allergy that!). It was a hopeless case; he cannot leave his damn house without a perfume, and I do not want to get near him with it. And I told you, you figure out the rest of the story.

And you told me that you should restrict your use of perfume then, and I wondered, Miguel, if you were just playing cute with me. I told you that I did not know you are using perfume and that I ought to sniff you like a dog would to check if I am allergic to it or not.

You kept on laughing, Miguel. “You are really funny.” You said.

I don’t know whether that is a good sign or a bad sign. When you said I am funny, did you mean I make you laugh? And if I make you laugh, Miguel, is that a good thing or I am turning into an asexual friend of yours that the probability of the strings binding us turning romantic is getting thinner and thinner? I love watching you laugh, I could watch you forever. I look forward to the times you drop by my work pod every afternoon for a laughing talk. We never seem to run out of things to laugh about, Miguel, and that makes this whole friendship amazing and hurting. I am starting to feel little twitches of pain whenever we are together. We have an amazing friendship and I am afraid this not-so alien feeling growing inside me is going to ruin it.

I do not want to fall in love with you, Miguel, if only to lose you altogether. Help me numb my subconscious, so it may not go astray. I do not want to fall in love with you right now when we are having so much fun; love can be very pressuring at times.

But if ever love will take you away from me, let him take you in the middle of the night where the heart is asleep and the mind is resting, that I may not witness the act and thus cannot associate the pain of real loss. Let him snatch you when we aren’t laughing, that I may not cry over the waste of laughter. Better yet, Miguel, if love will take you away from me, then let me not know what it is about so that when I may ultimately feel it, I would not notice it.

Love is only love when one accepts it.

author’s note: Fear is a funny emotion; it neither gives the mind enough reason to move forward nor backward. It is a stagnating emotion; a feeling that yearns on the shield of security and familiarity. Anything beyond the borders of the known is not to be trusted nor embraced for it may give the mind and the body the opportunity to make a choice and ultimately accept the consequence of such actions. Fear does not embrace freedom, for in freedom lies great responsibility. And falling in love for her is a great responsibility, of which a consequences she does not want to bear.

letter #4: elation
letter #3: anticipation
letter #2: discovery
letter #1: birth


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