yoga, sex, and the brittleness of my body

if my first yoga session is some sort of an entrance examination to determine if i am qualified enough to be part of the elite group of people who can bend their bodies in ways we normal ones cannot thought of possible, then i failed pitifully.

the truth of the matter is while i was looking at the yoga teacher who was on all fours, his bum up proudly in the air, i couldn’t help thinking about sex.

yes, sex. oh, how yoga can raise the bar of sexual excellence.

the thought of sex, unlike the aftermath of actually doing it, does not relax the mind. it ties the mind into knots and knots of little sexual bombs waiting to explode.

and that i was thinking about it was already a blocking stone in itself.

“close your eyes. relax. concentrate on your breathing.” the girl-like voice of our yoga teacher boomed in my hearing. he was a small chap but boy can he bend backwards, forwards and even raise his two legs up in the air. it is true. i watched him before he formally started the class.

“relax. inhale long, feel ur lungs expand.” he said

fuck.fuck.fuck. i could feel my abdomen sucked itself in. he warned us about this; if this happens then you are breathing the wrong way.

i have been breathing this way for 26 and 5 months and i am still very much alive. but obviously, he was way healthier than i am so i did not challenge him on this. and so i breathe.

“imagine yourself facing the mirror. look at yourself.” he kept on saying.

a vision of me crossed-leg flashed on my mind. no, i don’t want that, change it to me standing up in a fancy dress. and so i did. why the hell is my hair curly…and red???

“find your inner happiness. smile at yourself. find your inner happiness.”

my inner what? find it, find it, find– damnit, rona! concentrate. find it, fuck.

“share that happiness to yourself. find peace in that happiness…”

am i happy? i am smiling… yes, yes, yes! ohhhh, this stuff is good. he is good. god, the music makes me drowsy.

“share that happiness to your loved ones…”

oh david, i am thinking of you right now. jesus, if you can see him bend, you are so gonna love what yoga will do to me. shit, stop it! concentrate on ur breathing. and yes, the smile. the smile, rona.

“share that happiness to your parents. to your family. to your friends…”

i dont have any friends anymore. well, only few of them left and i think theyre happier than i am…

“share it to the universe.”

uh-what?

the difference between practical people and trying hard ones is that the former knows exactly when was the right time to stop, to give up, to soldier on different grassy path. the latter just keeps on pushing and pushing.

i should have opened my eyes at that point. obviously, i was mocking the principles of yoga.

but, how the hell does you share your happiness to the universe when you sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat, your abdomen sucking in when you inhale and there was vision of you on all fours with your bum proudly up in the air?


it is just impossible.

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