“perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, to test, probe and save it have the additional effect of cutting it short.”

“does it hurt?”

she looked at me, startled. she had been staring at particularly nothing when i sat at the wooden stool across her and popped that question. she gave me a blank expression.

“does it hurt?”, i asked again.

she fiddle with her fingers, contemplating on whether to tell me what is in her mind. she was doing it for the longest time that if this was any normal day, i would have left her already. i was never known for my patience. no, i do not even know what patience is.

“i don’t know what to feel.” she spoke up after a while. “i thought it was okay, but… i mean, it is really okay but i am feeling differently. and i found it so unfair. i mean, i don’t know….” she wiped a blink of tears from her eyes. “i dont know anymore.”

“i guess that is pretty normal…i guess..” i murmured, not really knowing what is normal anymore. it has been a very abnormal year for all of us. it feel so awkward in my part that i have to be doing this. i am not so good at this, oh no, definitely not so good at this. i was always the one comforted. i was always the one talking, crying, and whining. i was never in this side of the table…until now. “but you have Kevin, Mia.” i said.

“after this, i don’t.” she looked at me, her eyes swelling up.

“he doesn’t need to know.” i offered an explanation. “i mean, he doesn’t need to know. colt’s moving on. you are moving on… it is gonna be fine.”

“i don’t want to move on, maggie. i love colt and it is so fucking stupid that i should only be able to realize it now.”

“but people fall in and out of love all the time, mia. it is not a terrible thing to realize it just now. perhaps, there is one good reason you did realize it just now.” i said and reached out for her hand. oh, dear, i so suck at this.

she wiped her tears again. “i have to see Kevin. i need to talk to him.”

“you want to sleep on it?”

she shook her head. “funny how some people can’t love us right, eh?” she muttered and smiled faintly to avoid crying some more.

i stood up and reached for her, gave her a hug. “i am so sorry, Mia.” i said. “i feel so helpless not being able to ease your pain.”

“and i feel so confused right now.” she murmured. “just hug me, i just wanna cry.”

and cried she did. funny how the love from other people who probably loves you more than that particular person is so weightless, so powerless against that loss of someone who could have loved you more.

if only you fought for him at the right time.


About this entry