Heaven forbid you’ll end up alone and don’t know why.

take it from the girl who once worn her heart on her sleeves and almost lost it.

a friend of mine once told me that if i was a character of a book or a movie, i would be a a ruthless, practical heroine. and because heroines are rarely both ruthless and practical, i would probably be more fitting as the villain.

but, ron, you always seem to eat anybody alive if they mess up with you.” he told me once, and i could vividly remember how he unwrapped a piece of Wendy’s big classic burger. i do not understand why i remember the most irrelevant of things, but those are the ones i remember. “so, i would say, if you are a character of a book or a movie, the author will kill your existence too early. in this country, the hearts always soften up to the weak, not the strong.”

he should have seen me on those days i have lived for my silly high school obsession. but then, that too, is irrelevant. i was the one who walked away, even before the choice to do so was presented to me. besides, i have discovered a few years back that the whole paopao thing was an illusion. i have exaggerated the pains; i have magnified the volume of love that was unrequited. the truth is, he was nothing more, nothing beyond the part of growing up. the whole thing was only as significant as the fact that pimples then were unavoidable.

the truth is, we seem to have a crazy notion that the love that hurts the most is the love that is worth keeping. it doesnt matter if it destroys us in the process; we have a crazier notion that eventually, it will pave way to a reborn.

horseshit. today, i know better than embrace that.

i have thought of these things because i met a friend of mine in her lowest moment in life a few month’s back. i have extracted these thoughts from my head because i want to understand her actions. and by remembering who i was before when i had truly believed love without reason conquers everything, i might have something different to tell her. but truth, for someone who is not ready to face it, is nothing more than a mirror; a mirror of what the searcher desperately needs to see.

after all, we are our own greatest anodyne, our own most effective anesthesia. that is one of human’s greatest defense mechanism.

do you want him because you truly believed you deserved him? because you truly believed nobody else endured as much as you do fighting to keep him? i asked her that while i was rearranging my books in my book cabinet. i do not know why i do the most unrelated of things, but those are the ones i do in critical conversations like this.

he chose me over her. she answered.

i almost said out loud, then why are we here?, but rearranging the books prevented me from doing so. although, i did not have the surest idea why she sought me out, i know the reasons why she wasn’t there for. it was not to seek wisdom from me because there was none i could give. it was not also to seek alliance from me that what she did was right because she knew from the very start where i stand with her affairs. did it make you happy? i asked instead.

she didn’t reply. instead, she cried.

it was not the first that she did it. it will not be the last, either. i told her it was okay to cry. i have cried harder and i am sure you had cried much harder before, i told her as i give her a hug. but what do you want to do with your life?

that was one conversation that was not for seeking answers. it was neither for healing (because healing takes way longer and way later) nor escape (because with denial in place, the idea of escaping seems useless).

thinking about it now, i said some things to her during that talk that i should not have. not because they did not make sense (i did raise a very good point and they do have great sense) but because a crushed heart could only take so much pain from the truth. and that, no matter how logical it is to face the truth with head held high and dignity intact, it still takes time.

and time has a pace of its own. and the war on inequality in love is a battle done alone.

that is not an easy truth to digest.


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