what missing piece of the puzzle?

“hey, how are you with self-improvement seminars and shits like that?”

foo, my neighbour/emergency panic resource/occasional squatter/crazy friend, asked me the question while we were talking about the roadtrip thing we are planning for the weekend.

self-improvement whaaattt???

i cannot stand self-help books even. and although human psychology largely interests me, i have a sour thing for psychologists (zsolt knows), a thing of which others might find rather unjustly founded. it also follows that i have strong issues with people who believe they cannot make themselves feel better about themselves unless there’s someone out there to do it for.

no, i don’t believe in self-improvement seminars or self-help book bestsellers. but, but, the fact that they are still existing up to this day and are continuously garnering helpful testimonials from people whose lives were shaped better by them are contradictory proof enough of my belief, right?

do not get me wrong. i did not say what they are talking are crap and shits. human psychology is psychology any angle you looked at it. but the effectiveness of taking steps on self-improvement does not lie on the programme itself but on the will of the individual deciding to make her life better. it does not matter that you read a hundred books on “how to get over a heartbreak” or “why am miserable in my twenties” or “the pursuit of inner happiness”. if you are not up on the quest of knowing who you really are, there is no way you can imagine- in the most probably sense- what you will become.

somebody once asked me what can make her happy. how on earth would i know?

someone once confessed i was his happiness. so, what happened when i was gone?

no, i do not have the profile of the “it” girl. i swear a lot. i drink a lot. my passion is destructive. i can’t cook. i live in a small apartment i cannot even clean. i rarely comb my hair. i doze off on my friends. the list of all the bad things that i am can go on and on. but these are the things i have discovered about myself because i was honest to myself. and i have a whole lot bad virtues in the past that i was able to do away with because i realized when it comes to grooming one’s life, nobody else’s is responsible for it. but yes, i am still far from being almost-perfect.

and you know what? i precisely know that.

nobody knows me better than myself (if you heard me tell you that you can read me better than i can read myself, i am obviously lying then. i do take responsibility for my actions, even under the influence of alcohol overdose, but sometimes, i escaped me). i know when i want something and when i do not. i know when i am really hurting and when i can move on. i know who i love and why i love them. i know which friends i lose and why i lose them.

i know i am already whole and i am so sorry, i am not waiting for that missing piece of puzzle in my life because i am complete already.

but you know, if you don’t mind, i’d like someone whole, too.

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