the scars of scubaboard and that wrinkles on the side of his eyes.

when scubaboard experienced hardware problems, it became unavailable for weeks and so the management and staff asked the members to stay at the mirror site while they were fixing the original one.

when it went back online again late last week, it lost about a month’s data. anything that happened during the last few days of may until it went down first week of july was gone.

for us who have ample time in our hands (i do not want to even consider i have nothing much going on in my life considering how regular i am on the board), it came as a shocker. it was like having a part of your past erased and you can’t even live that moment again.

i told zsolt this. “so, as far as SB1 is concerned, i haven’t met you yet.”

“interesting thought.” he replied and grinned, the wrinkles on the side of his eyes showing.

interesting thought, indeed. now imagine if that happens in real life: having a certain section in your past erased and replaced with a void, blank space. it is not about going back in time because it doesn’t require nor allow you to change anything about that past. it is neither about changing the future because it does nothing of that sort. just that section of your past erased from the memory. just like that.

the closest metaphor there would be to this is having the scars on your body but not remembering why.

i do not know if i can live with that. it seems really irrelevant thing to happen. granting that there might be a traumatic event that happened in one’s past, erasing it but leaving the scars that risen from such event is for me a mockery. it deduced the importance of the scars in your existence by making it nothing but an unknown mark.

i like scars. i dig scars because they have a story to tell. you look at the scars and you remember. and although remembering is a painful process for most people, it is through remembering that we learned and understood a little more of ourselves, if not of others.

it would be so strange if the events that happened between a certain recent period were gone and yet the succession and the consequences remained in the present. i do not want to look at zsolt and not remember how i met him and yet knowing i did because there he was grinning at me like an idiot now.

i told him so.

“that would be strange, indeed.” he agreed.

and when the wrinkles on the side of his eyes appeared, i grinned like an idiot myself.

no, i do not want that void, blank space. not even out of necessity.

i want to remember. and i want to remember it well.


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