lets sue the world wide web

“what is the matter?”

i saw her hands fidget and i smelled trouble. with this girl, its always trouble every time i see her. “i don’t know what to do.”

please don’t tell me it has anything to do with the engagement. i thought. “please don’t tell me it has anything to do with the engagement.” she was recently engaged (well, if you call end of 2006 as recent) and will be walking down the aisle soon. fuck it, and i thought i’d do that ahead of everyone else. it turns out i can actually imagine myself not doing that for the meantime.

“i stumbled upon his old blog.”

oh for the love of the gods who may or may not exist. i really am going to curse the world wide web sooner or later.

“what is it they said about the past?” i told her, went to the fridge and poured her left over coke.

“no, no soda. im watching my diet.”

“jeez, you need to eat more. you’re skinny.” i told her and handed her the glass of Coke anyway. it is not my idea of a good diet, but what the hell. troubled people do not need an excuse to eat the wrong food. “so, his old blog, huh? what does it matter? you’re marrying the guy!”

“you don’t mean that.” she told me, rolling her eyes. “it was always you who said the past matters. the past always matters.” she paused and started looking like she was about to cry. “this past hurts.”

for some awful, unknown reason i laughed. it was rude to do so but it must be something about being happy these days and realizing one can actually like somebody without the pressure of what is going to come next that it seems so funny to hear somebody quote my beliefs to state their case. “hey, take a good look at me. two engagements and no wedding. you shouldn’t be reading my blog too much; it is putting ideas into your head.” i smiled at her. god, i am so bad at this. “give me the web address.” i asked her and opened my laptop.

she waited for the laptop to boot up and gave me the link. the blog went as far back as 2003 and stopped just right before the end of the first quarter of 2006. the guy can write. hell. what is it with me and good writers? “so, what seems to be the problem. at least you know he didn’t stop blogging in a middle of a heartbreak and then meet you a few weeks after and then propose to you a few good months afterwards.”

“its not that i suddenly have doubts now, rona. he proposed to me, after all. and i love him. but it still hurts to read those things and learn those things. to find out that the love of your life actually had a love of his life once upon a time ago and he loved her like hell.” she seem to forget about her diet as she was gulping the rest of the soda faster now. “i just need to get this off my chest.”

i do know what she meant. last friday night, i had a rather awkward row with my friend-turned boyfriend-turned flatmate-turned confidante-blah-blah-blah. i would rather not say what it was all about, the topic being a sensitive one. although what it was is an entirely different matter with what is troubling her right now, i do know what she meant about getting it off her chest. it is not that you want to do something about it, you just have the need to get it off your chest.

i, too, plead guilty. i blame it for dating guys with too much history; i guess, it isn’t so hard to tell it is because they are more interesting, ya?

as i carelessly go through his old blog entries long after she was gone, i thought about how i would have felt if i was in her shoes. oh wait, that happened too many times in my past already. we, who open pandora’s boxes every so often because we cannot keep it shut not knowing what is inside, have stalked the past more than needed or required. it didn’t change the present, in most cases (really) but it hurts doing so everytime.

“you have too many skeletons in your closet.” dani once told me. “and your closet’s transparent.”

so what does it matter what happened in the past? transparent or not, it doesn’t really change anything.

the skeletons are still there.


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