the secret garden

watching “jerry mcguire” wasn’t my idea of a saturday night. i had better ideas, really. but apparently i got stuck with this one.

it wasn’t so bad. i almost forgot how charming tom cruise is. and i didn’t realize how romantic the movie was. it was too romantic it was too depressing. zsolt did log in when it was 20% near the ending; which was a good sign. if i have to go through it alone until the end, i will be so depressed i would start getting all philosophical and unreasonable (dig that).

and then bjorn (who loves the movie and the soundtrack) sent me a copy of bruce springsteen’s “secret garden” which made me feel worse, having to hear the entire song from the altec speaker of my laptop. it didn’t help that i suddenly remember i have david grey’s “this year’s love” i ripped off from deo’s cellphone. i sent a copy to zsolt.

“slow.” he said. “a good song to slow-dance to. but not to listen alone in my room. it depresses me.”

have you ever listen to a song that just sort of drown you slowly but you cannot stop listening to it because it somehow illuminates how you are exactly feeling? that particular david grey song makes me feel that. and in a span of thirty minutes and eight replays later, the dark clouds were chilling over my bed. i didn’t see them but i feel them. and as to why i suddenly feel miserable that particular moment when i have never been this happy for a long time is lost in me. i have no idea.

david asked me earlier that day, “has he seen you go nuts yet?”

do not get me wrong. i do not discuss my present relationship with my ex. i discuss my ex with the present sometimes, but that only happens very rarely. as much as i recognize my obsession with anything that happens in the past, i am slowly trekking away from that habit. nothing ever comes out good of it. i should know.

“he’s heard me lost it when he was here.” i answered him. i knew better now. i should have just shut up my mouth.

“scary. have you lost it with him yet?” he asked. “because that… that is the dealbreaker.”

no, i haven’t lost it with zsolt. one doesn’t just lost it for no reason, and i truly believe i am a reasonable person. i am not seeing i wouldn’t, which is precisely the reason i warned zsolt about my mood swings before he made his jump. he jumped, anyway. it doesn’t help that we were so far away from each other… or so different from each other. but we did agree beforehand that we will always be upfront with everything, more so if everything is bothering us.

the distance is bothering me. the distance is making me miserable. the distance is making me depressed.

mal, the captain in the series “firefly” told saffron as he pushed her away, “you do not miss the place you’ve never been to.”

i would like to blame jerry mcguire and bruce springsteen and david grey for whatever shits i am saying now. but that wouldn’t be fair. i just misses zsolt. i have underestimated the effects of his going back to OZ this time.

oh my god, is this what falling in love feels like?

should i get scared now?


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