be careful what you wished for….

remember that time when you thought about how “powerful” it would feel like to be signing corporate checks and have your name in almost every document needing authorization signatures before they can even be processed by the bank?

well, i remember that time. i remember saying, “someday…..”

oh well, i am this close to screaming in surrender now. it is so freaking tiring to be signing checks and reviewing documents. i wish there is a way i can use a stamp pad so i don’t have to personally scribble my signature on every document needing my approval.

it isn’t really that bad. it is not something i would turn my back from a fat paycheck for. but sometimes, when my hands are freezing cold and my eyes are hurting, i can see myself looking back, wondering if i wished for all the wrong things in my life.

but i am not going to go through that kind of melodrama right now. not for the next 3 minutes anyway. i want to talk about how we (more likely, “i”)- people in our twenties (more likely just me again)- decide what career path to take. or if we even bother thinking about that at all. i cannot speak for the ones in their thirties as there are still some good three years before i reach that stage. what i do know is that i do not want to be in my thirties and still clueless on what i want to do with my career, or worse, my life.

of course, there’s so much more besides being employed. but for a good number of us who just do not have that entrepreneurial skill, the payslip is a powerful piece of paper. that piece of paper pays the bills, fund our savings, and source our investments. and sometimes, for some of us, get us into trouble, too.

i was always the ambitious one. that is something i am neither proud or ashamed of but has long ago recognized. one of my headhunters once asked me if the things i do and the decisions i made at the workplace is a mirror of my character or if it is something i adapted as a strategy. i found that question very interesting. one, because she asked it in such a straightforward manner. and two, because it is a question of preference between morality and practicality.

i will not tell you how i answered that question; i will tell you, however, that i got the job but turned it down.

and sometimes, when i watched the buildup of traffic from my office window, i thought about that job. and the grounds of which i rejected it (which ironically are non-existent anymore). if i accepted it and things that happened the past few months happened anyway, would i be happier? i’d probably not meet zsolt; i would be too busy getting high at work. but then, on the principle of not missing what you haven’t experienced, it wouldn’t probably be that bad at all. and yet, to know now what i would have missed and not know now what it is i am currently missing, there really is no strong argument there.

someone, in the height of his anger, once accused me i am too practical and too obsessed with my career. he got it all wrong. the things i risked my career for, the silly things i risked my career for, they ought to mean something. with me being ambitious and all.

but didn’t i wish for this a long time ago?


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