so, what will u do for love?

i should learn to keep my mouth shut.

i have a feeling i just hurt a good friend with the things i said. no, not just a feeling. i know i hurt a good friend with the things i said. one should really not have conversations after 2am; nothing good ever comes out of it. maybe i have become an argument freak. maybe that is the flavour of the season these days.

whatever it is, i said some things to him when i shouldn’t have. i should really not force my idea of love to people. really.

seriously.

he told me that when u meet your perfect match, you’d know. i said bullshit, there is no perfect match. he stood firm with his statement. now, this is the guy that is always sure of everything for his age. very different from the blokes that compose the rest of my thinning friend population, really. he just doesn’t believe that, he told me, he knows it. in fact, he met her already. but life is having a little fun and made it a little complicated. this, i am not surprised anymore. life is such a joker; sometimes, i don’t even find the jokes funny at all.

we argued when he said that he can imagine spending the rest of his life with her but for now that things are not working out, he’s officially single. i guess i really have issues with men (as i told zsolt earlier that night that he is an asshole (i’d like to think what i was doing was constructive criticism), he smiled and reminded me that all men are); i cannot follow how that machines inside their heads work. or if there is only one or more.

the time between the present and the foreseen future belongs to that future. that is how i look at it. because, what is the point living in Indonesia when all you wanted to do was spend the rest of your life in Cambodia? i cannot be attracted to someone else if i truly know i want to spend a considerable amount of my future with another. you cannot grow a garden in your backyard if you are throwing the seeds in your neighbour’s properties. i do not see a logic; or is it because i am not thinking outside the box? if that is the case, then it is best to let go and move on. less complicated that way; after all, we all make choices. and in case with any relationship, both parties always have to make the choice at the same time.

but perhaps, he is right. it is hard to explain it to me. he may be right; i do not know the extent of their love for each other. i am just so tied up wondering why if it is strong and sure enough, it is still not working out as of the present. but, that is really uncalled for. i do not know enough of their story to pass judgment. which was rude that i did, anyway.

a few weeks back when deo and i were stuck in the EDSA traffic (the last few days before i sold the car), he was telling me that if i put as much effort to that relationship we had like i did to the relationship i had now, it could have worked. not that we actually consider that at all; there are just things that are definitely over and that two parties do agree it is. his life was way so much when he stopped dating me; he grinned and agreed that it was. “you’re a very terrific friend,” he said. “but you are just a terrible girlfriend. you are selfish, nagging, and demanding.”

and you know what? maybe he is right. i am the perfect girl until i started getting psychotic. and i always get psychotic. that is always the trend. perhaps, i need some serious evaluation. what worth are the things i do for love, anyway, if i start weighing them?

nothing.

you do not put price tags in relationships. it doesn’t work that way.

god, where the hell am i going? why am i still not running away?

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