my father’s daughter, my boyfriend’s girl.

yesterday, while zsolt and i were busy shopping for last minute flights out of Sydney for the new year (e.g. is it really practical to buy a $1.7K flight when one can fly some other time at half the price just because we just have to be together during new year’s eve?), a 12-year old girl hanged herself inside their “makeshift” house in Davao. this was a day after she was told by her father he couldn’t give her Php100 for her school project.

i just read about it now, seeing that i do not watch anything on tv anymore these days.

two points:

1. so much evil shown through the media these days (God- she hanged herself with a nylon rope- can one imagine the last few minutes of her life???) it prematurely destroys the innocence of the young.
2. public schools ought to realize that for the good lot of its students Php100 is a big thing, especially in the rural areas. what the hell are they requiring students for that costs that much? fuck it, 11Million Filipinos are living for less than $1/day, that’s Php43 for you.

the news piece mentioned that the father of the girl thinks she killed herself due to the family’s poverty. they also found out some entries in her diary lamenting about the hardships they constantly experienced.

this is too overwhelming for me to read, you see. to find out that hope has become a luxury even for the young these days is quite frightening. i could imagine father saying now, “think of these people who have nothing. you should start sharing your grace.”

not that i never shared my grace. but that is just how father is; he had witnessed too much and experienced the worst. perhaps, it is also the catholic in him. he always feel guilty splurging for himself when he is made aware others are in worse position than he is.

at the moment as i am writing this, i felt a little twitch of guilt myself (i am my father’s daughter- inside and out, after all). the practical side of me would hear none of it; i have worked for this. perhaps, luck has something to do with it, too. luck that i was born capable of being intelligent. luck that i had the best combination for a parents in the world. luck that i didn’t go the dark way when i was 12 years old and our house burned down, my parent’s marriage got rocky, our business went bankrupt, and there were only two cans of sardines to feed all of us for dinner (store helpers included- long story here but for a brief period of my childhood- we were quite well-off. when the shit hit the fan, the helpers stayed for a while even without enough salary).

i felt a little twitch of guilt, you see, because i know what a $1700 roundtrip ticket would mean to the people who do not have much, people who are barely surviving for less than $1/day. and although i realized a long time ago that concerning myself with all the world’s problem would make me very miserable, it doesn’t keep me from feeling it.

and for more practical reasons, zee and i can use it on something else. he is still coming in february, anyway. but i have never celebrated chinese new year in my whole life and would not want to start now for compensation.

but how important is celebrating new year together for us, really?

“we’ve thought about this too late.” zsolt murmured the night before in surrender. “and now i know why i do not travel during holiday season.”

“we should have grabbed the cheaper prices when we saw them few days back.” i, too, mumured in surrender. they weren’t cheaper then but comparing to the latest pricing we can get, they were a whole lot cheaper.

and so we justify why it isn’t practical that we see each other on new year’s eve. and it didn’t take us long, really, we knew from the start it was never a practical decision. it was more of a “want” than a “need”, more than anything else.

he suddenly spoke up, “fuck it. let’s do it.”

what?

no, we didn’t buy the ticket then. i do not think we will ever buy it, but it did make us feel better when he said it. it still makes me sad that i brought up the idea of new year’s in the first place. but i know i will get over this.

if i always do the things i want and i can do in this world, i cannot fathom where and who i will be right now.

all for the best, really.

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