oh! the inequality

for a country where rice is a main component of a daily meal, the rice shortage has people scrambling for ways to buy enough stock of rice at a cheaper price.

i cannot remember when was the last time i ate NFA-rice. NFA rice is crap. i seriously think the government can do better. but then, so does everyone think the government can do better on all things it is supposed to be responsible for.

perhaps, i do remember the last time i ate that kind of rice. it wasn’t that long ago. the fire. the bankruptcy. in fact, as i am remembering now, i can almost smell the taste of it. but then, the brain is a very efficient machine; it makes you forget what you do not even want to remember.

i am oblivious to the growing rice problem. in fact, i do not see how a Php10/kilo increase in rice would worry me, when i am already paying restaurants Php25-30/cup of it. but of course, half of this country’s population aren’t as lucky. and sometimes, that just got you thinking: how could it get this unfair?

a while ago, i receded into my angst again. i have been mad as i haven’t been mad for a while. it started with the puppies barking so loud when i arrived from the office, to them making a mess in my lounge room. and then everything else followed: of why i couldn’t move to a bigger, nicer, overlooking the city condominium unit i can very well afford; of why i have to worry about some other people’s responsibilities; of why i have to be always have a say on some teenager’s life; of why i have exchanged my career for money; of why zsolt and i are just so fucking far away from each other; of why i couldn’t try a little harder so i can be liked by his friends as mine easily warmed up to him; of why father still keep on going 6,000 miles away for dead-end job; of why i can still bear waking up every morning knowing i am far better off somewhere else.

zsolt did remind me, that perhaps, i am just having a bad day and things might be just exaggerated in the negative light. i knew he was wrong but i was hoping he was right; because, that is easier to get over with.

but then, the thing with zsolt is that… he knows how to make me feel better without even being aware of it. perhaps, it is because i let him to. perhaps, it is because he ought to. or, perhaps, it is because every time i am being a bitch and he was the only person who keep his cool and his stand while i bitch around.

and then, when he makes me feel better, i thought of the rest of the people with more real problems than i have: what to eat for dinner, where to get money to pay for the rent, how to afford their baby’s hospital bills, how to keep one’s sanity after a loved one’s death, how to start again after a broken marriage….and somehow i would realize i might have indeed overreacted. and that perhaps, i really didn’t mean it when i said i am so sick of where i am now and want to disappear to a place where nobody knows me.

and then guilt would come. what, oh what, have i got to claim that i needed attention? i have created my comfort zone and i can afford to maintain it. what have i got left to bitch about?

what i have got is nothing compared to what they have to deal with day to day.

times like this, i am not so proud of myself.