what strange dreams you have, margarette

my dreams are strange. zsolt who usually hears all of them told me so.

last night, it wasn’t a military operation gone wrong in a jungle. it was explosives packaged in coke cans coming out of nowhere in what looked like a beach or a desert. it was hard to tell which: i cannot remember seeing an ocean but everybody dressed up like they were at the beach.

like the rest of the dreams i had, i almost died in this one. almost because, like the rest of the dreams i had, i always manage to pause it just at the right time and rewind it back to where it was before everything else started to go wrong.

just like the old times.

when i was in high school (that was when it all started, by the way), there was always this one faceless person i created when i rewind the dream inside my head. i totally believe i created him because he was not somebody i knew then- nor can i detailed how he looks like- but he sure does what he was supposed to do: reverse my loss or defeat or death. he took me from the guerillas that held me captive. he hid me behind an invisible wall while the vampires look for human flesh to devour. he gave me a pill that somehow enabled me to fly so i can miraculously escape from an island that is sinking fast. you get the idea: if my dreams were fairy tales, he was my knight in shining armour.

the funny thing about those dreams, though, is that i would miraculously have him appear to do his job and he disappeared right after he is done with it. there are no happily ever after for both of us- i am sure as hell i do not even think there was something romantic about our relationship.

when i was done with college, i stopped dreaming those dreams, too. and i forgot about the stranger because there was simply no logical reason to remember a man- or appropriately tagged, a symbol- from some place that do not exist.

the dreams are back now. the man did not. because for some reason, zsolt replaced him.

you have to realize i never had these dreams in between college and zsolt. not with deo while i was very happy with him; definitely not with deo when it was all falling apart. not with david when i was ridiculously happy with him; and definitely not with david when it was all over. not with the rest of the guys that did not matter nor with the rest of the guys whom i gave permissions to break my heart. nor to the rest of the guys whose hearts i’ve broken.

there is one thing that changed about the way i dream these dreams, though. when i rewind it and change the course into my favour and after zsolt is done with what he was supposed to do, he would disappear like that strange man in the past did but i, i would go look for him. and in all those dreams, he either can’t be found, did something really bad, or didn’t recognize me at all.

and then i woke up.

this particular morning, though, zsolt was online when i did wake up. and so i told him. what was it? why was it? do i have some serious issues about this relationship that i have buried in my subconscious , thus trekking erratically into my dreams? is my contentment and security with him a packaged illusion?

“do you just dream them when we are apart?” he asked.

there is that, yes.

“do you think i had a problem with us being so far away from each other but i just sort of ignored it and stuffed it into that area of my subconscious where my conscious mind cannot reach?” i asked him.

“probably.” he answered. “they are very strange.”

he was thinking of the explosives packaged in coke cans. and how- basing on my accounts of the dream- he easily kick the two cans of explosive rolling into our direction, straight into a cabinet that miraculously appeared, and except for the sting of the broken crystals on our skin, we were unhurt and very alive after the explosives explode inside the cabinet.

my dreams are strange. that i already know. i just wish they keep zsolt out of it.


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