anticipation

i accidentally looked at the calendar today (i rarely looked at one, really) and it dawned on me that i am about 8 weeks away from the earliest time i may deliver (ten weeks, the most).

people have been asking me if i am scared. for some reason, the only hesitation and fear i have was the aftermath of getting stitched up (is it really, really painful to pee?). i have no nightmares or conscious dread of going into labor or the fact that all 7 or 8 lbs of Grape (i really hope she is not going to be bigger than that!) is going to pop out of my vagina. i do try to block the visual for a much more different reason but overall, i seem to be holding up pretty fine.

there was an instance though that i was seriously considering elective caesarian. if i can afford it and it is not going to seriously affect the baby in a bad way- it seems like the way to go. why go through all the pain,really? but the vision of some nurse or doctor leaving a gauze pad inside my abdomen freaks me out. it seems such a far fetched idea, but hey, it does happen and i would rather not be part of that statistics.

and so, up until a few hours ago, i thought i am going to give it a try and scream my lungs out in the hopes that i do not have to scream some more to push Grape out the same spot where half of her came in the first place. i bet i would be whining, and crying and screaming like every contraction cuts ten years out of my life…but then, there is also a good chance i could be wrong. way before i got pregnant, i thought carrying a baby in the womb for nine months is a huge inconvenience. the way it looks now, Grape would have way more to complain about her mum (who traveled way too much during the pregnancy, worked long hours, and cried a lot) than yours truly complaining about how she kicks and plays just when i am about to take a nap.

i am truly excited about seeing her- an alternate universe (e.g. where i did not get pregnant) seems implausible at this point. i do realize now that it will be very different but only because i choose to. i love the idea of future with Grape; i will spend all the time i can with her not because that is what good mothers do but because she makes me happy when i was in the lowest point of my life and she makes me feel things i could not see and i know- uncertain everything is at the present- that everything will be alright.

grape, in her little cramped universe, taught me already that true love is looking at an uncertain future with certainty that can only be justified by faith.

i love her already.

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