i think i have hit rock bottom. i think that could be a good sign.

i tried to be less angry about all these.

and i know that someday, when time heals all wounds…i would remember zsolt for the good things (as there were a lot of those). for now, i am waddling through the oceans of anger and devastation.

people have been asking how i cope. i personally think i could have cope with this a little bit better (perhaps, talk about it a little bit less, too). but, i know how boiled up anger feels after a long time and i am not going down that road again. i look forward to not being angry anymore and if that means having to talk about what happened to me every single day with every person i trust, i am going to go through this phase that way. if that makes me shameless, then so be it. being shamelessly honest about what happened helps me keep my sanity and i do think that is a pretty good deal at this point.

i do feel sorry for him though- to the point where this must have been how mothers feel like when they have to watch their son go to prison for the murder they have committed. i wish there was another way to cope with what happened without having to talk about how in so many levels, what he did was wrong or how screwed up he must be to have done what he did. i feel sorry for him because i do know he was just being honest about where he thought he stand in all these.

having said that, i still do think he is full of shit, a coward and an ungrateful SOB. i guess it is possible to be angry at , sorry for, and in love with a guy all at once. having said that, i also think it is possible that i get over this faster than i have gotten over previous heartbreak. i have hit rock bottom now; there is no other way to go but up.

i wonder if i have looked at relationships as stopovers rather than final destinations, would i have fared better with this breakup? i guess with Grape’s existence, it is kind of hard to think that alternative would work. but then, perhaps, if i did look at it that way, Grape would have not existed. it all sounds like catch 22 to me.

i think i will continue to be angry for a while. i do believe it is normal. but i also believe that someday, i will wake up one morning and the anger has dried up, replaced by acceptance that things happen for a reason and sometimes, when they do, they hurt pretty bad but they also make you a stronger person in the process.

someday, i will talk about the father of my child without the anger, or the pity, or the disbelief– just sincere remembrance of how awesome ride it was and how when it was all over, i got the greatest gift no man has ever given me before.

i think my daughter would love that story.


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