a shot of motherhood

this baby thing is getting more expensive that i have bargained for.

no, i have not bought any dress for Grape yet (my sister, Jesse, already bought more than needed anyway). i have not gotten her baby stuff either- no feeding bottles or strollers or cribs.

but i did build a room for Grape and i in the province and it is already costing me almost thrice the original estimate- not to mention the furnishing and fixtures i need to stuff it with when it is finished.

i am 32-33 weeks on the way now. that is less than 5 weeks away from the earliest time i may deliver Grape. as i watch my belly grows tremendously every day and as mother becomes too protective of me and Grape, my attention shifted from wondering how loud my screams would be during labor to how much it would really cost to rear Grape.

i am always very diligent about my rainy day fund and my savings and investments. but grape was not a factor when i have designed those. i guess that would have to change starting now. i know i can afford to raise Grape comfortably right now- i am at a better financial position that most people i know. but can i sustain raising Grape in the future? i have not looked beyond fifteen years yet so it is pretty difficult to say i can. if by any chance i die or unable to work anymore, then the future is bleak beyond seven years from now.

that thought shudders me. i still stand by my belief that i am not giving Grape any benefit to be born into this world- the worse thing i can do as her mother is make it difficult for her to appreciate her existence. i do think parenthood is an honor, not a right. and as my mind linger around these thoughts, i could feel Grape kicking and punching me in the stomach.

there are a lot of things that happened in my life recently that i do not understand nor i think i deserve. this is one of those. i am not cut out for motherhood- people who know me well enough would confirmed so. i have not been a good mother to Grape in the last few months- i could have taken better care of myself for her sake but i didn’t. i would like to make it up to her starting right now. she means the world to me and i am going to live every second of my life showing her that.

as i told someone not so far back: often times, you are not saving your baby’s life by bringing her into this world… you are letting that baby saves yours.

i do think that is true in my case.

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