the chinese horoscope said so…

i feel like, sometimes, everything that has happened to me in the last five months is so unreal.

i am still at lost as to how quite an amazing ride spiraled into something so heartbreaking. but i am without anger now (i think) and i am done bargaining (that is for sure) and wallowing in self pity was particularly not my forte (i am too arrogant and egoistic to subject myself to such masochism).

i think Zsolt and i will be okay. we kind of need to be if we have to be sharing a daughter. i do not believe couples have to stay and pretend happy together for the sake of the kids (though, it would have devastated me if my parents thought the same before; i do think they are perfect for each other). you can fake elation and excitement but you cannot sugar coat happiness; sooner or later, the real deal always comes out. looking back at it now (and hindsight is a 20/20 vision), it really would not work.

primarily because i am a monkey and he is a tiger. and the chinese horoscope said so.

half kidding aside, the only common ground Zsolt and I have was our obsession of proving society and people wrong. they said long distance relationship will not work after a while; we wanted to prove that was not true. they said you cannot possibly manage your work around your travel, we believed and proved otherwise. they said there is no way a traditional, budget-conscious, family-oriented, planning-OCed accountant can tolerate a happy go lucky, living on the edge, immature product of a broken family or vice versa; well, we tried anyway.

do i feel sad that Zsolt fell out of love with me? insulted was more like it. but there was no rule in this relationship on who should fell out of love with whom first. would i have been less sad if i did it first? perhaps (but that is just my ego talking). i have always put a high value on all my romantic relationships; either way, i’d think it would still be very heartbreaking. am i ashamed that this happened not on my terms? maybe (when you believe you are a catch, it is pretty hard to digest why you get dumped).

people have challenged my decision. it is really easier to move on without having to deal with the presence of the person you are trying to move away from. the route i decided to take is just too complicated. “you know it is going to be just as painful as a heartbreak all over again. no one should have it so easy.” a friend of mine warned me.

no one should have it easy. i do not think anybody involved in this mess has it easy. we all deal with shit in our lives in the most comfortable way possible. i am taking the road less traveled and take things as they are; i do not believe in the temporary relief in postponing agony. zsolt can deal with his shit when he gets round to it (good luck with that). there is no good thing that will come out of forcing him to face his demons; i have my hands full battling mine.

i do believe he will be an awesome dad and as late it may be at this point, he is trying his best to prove that is the case. having said that, i do believe Grape will be the end of him. i guess, if i have to be really nasty about this i would say, she will be his karma. does that thought make me gloat? maybe.

as for me, the world is indifferent to my sufferings and unconcern of my pains– and realizing that does jolt you out of all the dramas in your life. i am without that destructive anger now (i am sure i would still get angry at Zsolt for different reasons in the future but i am done taking all he has done or has not done in the last five months against him). i have finished.

and what is it they say? the value of love lost is measured not by how deep it burns during its duration but by how long the recovery takes after the light has gone out.

that ought to tell me something.


About this entry