in the wake of his absence

perhaps, the reason why it hurts so much is because i feel that i took him for granted in the last few weeks of his life. perhaps, it was also because i could have saved him if i have not noticed something was wrong a little bit too late. perhaps, it was because he was such a loyal dog- a doormat, i’d always say- and he loves and adores and worship all of us unconditionally.

it hurts so much that not even writing about it makes me feel better (as it always does in other cases). he died with his eyes open and so full of life and love and loyalty. i remember sitting there, touching his face and witnessing how his warmth so quickly have left his body. i remember how cold the floor felt and how my tears burnt (as it does up to this point).

i have never felt so sad in my entire life.

all over a dog, some people may shake their heads and frown. he was more than a dog to us. jughead was that constant reminder of how simple loyalty and happiness is all about. he was a little bit stupid, which makes his loyalty even more transparent and his happiness even more simpler. i love him like family and this is one death i am not taking at face value so easily.

perhaps, what makes all this very difficult is the fact that i love him like family and have treated him as one- taking his presence for granted because i feel like he will always be there for a while.

perhaps, what makes all this very hurting is because for the first time in my life, i feel like something was taken away from me and i will never get it back. and i am not ready to let it go.

the funny thing about death, i guess, is that it is always the ones left behind that are not ready. we feel that he knew what was coming to him; he had never whimper nor showed any sign of suffering. up to his last breath, he had looked at mother with nothing but pure adoration and love.

i am not so ready for this. i know that things happen for a reason but this does not make any sense to me. and no matter how i wrap my head around it, i could not find a way to justify why he has to die.

i feel like i am the saddest girl in the world. and there is nothing or nobody right now who can make me feel better or state otherwise. i can only hope that as with everything else, i will come into terms with my loss and his death.

but at this very moment and until then, i will mourn for the loss of an awesome, amazing, a little bit stupid but unconditionally loyal dog and hopefully Grape will understand the way i am handling this. i know that if she had the chance to meet him, she would know there is no other way to handle this grief.

she would have adored him and he would have worship her.


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