trainwreck

i think i am already a terrible mum.

i worked so hard and fretted over my love life when i should be prepping for labor. and it is not even as if i do not have a choice; it was an informed decision i make and with my sugar level shooting up, my legs and feet swelling and bloating and looking like there are blood clots when i walk, i just felt like i could have done something better than this.

i could have done something better than this. i could have stop someone from insulting me and treating me like crap and moved on when it was tolerable. i could have stop being so arrogantly confident that i can turn anyone’s career to skyrocket regardless of whether or not they are ready for it. i could have decided earlier on that my future with Grape alone will be a blast and that my happiness is dependent on that. i could have not taken for granted people who really cared for me and love me and never abandoned me over people who are even confused where to put me in their lives (which turned out to be more than one in the last few months).

maybe i am freaking out because it is so near and i know that when i hold Grape in my arms, there is no turning back. the choices have been made; the decision extended. did i make the right one in the last two months? i know i did. but is it for my happiness or for someone else? i do not really know.

all i know is that this could have been simpler but i chose to make it complicated. and now i have dragged a soon-to-be newborn into that complication and i am not feeling proud about it right now. i wished this is a simpler case; i know i could have made it simpler. i just have a nasty feeling this is going to turn out for the worse at some point and i do hope i am wrong because thinking about it makes me flinch.

i only have unsurpassed love for Grape but i just wished i start really acting like it. the things i did, the decisions i made, this road i take, i know i did them all for Grape. i just wish it doesn’t hurt so much like it does now.

perhaps, seeing the father of my child face to face tomorrow would give me the closure i need, not a feeling of being in an otherwise empty train approaching its wreck.

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