my achilles heel

i do not know how mother did it.

2 weeks since i had my c-section, i can fairly say i am failing at this motherhood thing. as you can see, while i am tapping on my keyboard on a Monday afternoon (Sunday evening to you back there at the west coast) updating this blog and completing some backlogs at work, Grape is somewhere downstairs with mother as the latter is nursing my baby’s nasty cold.

i do feel very guilty about this. but i do feel very helpless as well. i did try to make her feel better but it seems like talking logic with a 2-week old baby just doesn’t work like it does with my staff or my friends. it doesn’t help that she prefers mother’s bouncy dancing over my horrible singing voice and lousy steps. it also doesn’t help i have my work laptop on 24/7. do not even get me started about my breastmilk supply. i guess if Grape can talk, she would clearly want me to fix my priorities.

i have no fucking idea how mother did it. six of us- and she raised us well (my failure in this entire motherhood thing has nothing to do with her). i freak out on every little thing Grape does- like holding her breathe or going all red when she cries or when she doesn’t poo three times a day or when she have this pig-like sound when drinks her milk. motherhood is tough; and the risks are enormous and uncalculated as the payoff would be. my admiration and awe for my mother raises a notch everyday, considering there is no school in the world that teaches one how to become a responsible, effective parent.

perhaps, i could get away by saying that i should cut me some slack. it has been two weeks since i underwent a caesarian operation, not to mention it has been less than two weeks when i was rushed to the hospital due to an allergic reaction to antibiotic they gave me for my c-section cut. but…but…but i know deep inside that is kind of lame. this is my achilles heel. some people just get into the groove with this entire motherhood thing and i couldn’t. if this is my workplace and Grape is my boss, i could see a “does not meet performance standard” on my performance appraisal. hell, if Grape is an inch like me, she would be “writing me up” for this underperformance.

but i guess that is why it takes two people to make a baby. as Grape slept in my arms last night trying to make do with what breastmilk i have left and trying to get past her nasty cold and not crying at all (i fancy because her nana (grandma) has been telling her to be a very good little girl so mummy can do some work and get some quality rest), i remember the many times Zsolt has to put up with my shit because i had too much work and/or i am not feeling well. funny, that. people did do crazy things for people they love, for as long as they love them.

someday, i am going to show Grape this blog. perhaps, by then, i would be as good as this motherhood thing as my mother. i do love Grape heaps and she means the world to me and i would be the last person to not want me to be better at this.

i guess, i could face my laptop lesser for a change.


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