and that’s just how it is, you know.

it is a wonder how such a little package could be so powerful.

i am as guilty as the rest of them now. Isabela Marguerite, or Grape as we fondly call her, did not only climb up my priority list but also has by default put a lien on all that i have without as little effort from her part. she would cry and i would drop everything to figure out if i can give her what it is that she seeks (in a number of cases, i usually hand her over to mother because she is always better at this than i am). she would smile and make those cute tiny noises and i know what it is that really matters.

i have wrote earlier on when i was weighing the impact of the pregnancy on me that going through with it is not saving her life but letting her save mine. and oh, was i right. i have never valued my life this highly before she came. and now, all i wanted was to live long enough to see my grandchildren grow up and make a life on their own. (i always fancy i will reach the 80’s but my healthcheck says that is too ambitious). Grape, wanted but unplanned, did not change my life but accentuate the things that should matter to me: peace, contentment, faith, and happiness.

it is quite funny. my desire to give her as much as i can so she lives a life designed by God for her made me look at how i have lived my life so far. it would be kind of silly, i’d think, to want to give myself what she needs to be happy if i have not given myself that. it would be hypocrisy to want her to nurture her faith if i haven’t done anything with mine for the last decade. it is going to be complicated to rear her up in contentment if i am up and about chasing the limelight. and what about peace? how can a troubled mother raise a child in serenity?

in the midst of buying milk and changing nappies and rocking a crying baby to sleep and work and love and other shit we have to deal with in our lives, it is understandable that we couldn’t afford to think about these things when we should. instead, we buy them the milk that we hope would give them killer brain cells, even if it is way above our budget. instead, we struggle keeping them in a school we can barely afford in the hope that it will seal their future. instead, we stay in a lousy marriage in our belief that it will spare the kid embarrassment and pain.

i haven’t seen Grape for two weeks. i am going to be seeing her very soon. i do not know if i will be thinking about these things again. perhaps her crying would distract me. perhaps her satisfaction while i nurse her overwhelms me with warm feelings. there is so much stuff i do not know around Grape that it challenges what i really know about my life.

perhaps, when she is older and i am wiser, we can both sit on the grass and talk about this.

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