Remembering David.

i thought of David today. stiff, very-English David.  perhaps, it may be because i bumped into an English guy at the Yoga studio whose smile was quite similar to his. 

it seems so long ago now and yet for that particular moment before my yoga practice started, everything seems to go back in time. when we have to drag his horribly looking suitcase out of NAIA 1 to the outskirts of the airport because i totally did not want us to pay a flat rate to get us to the hotel.  when the same horribly looking suitcase got ripped off at the conveyor belt when we got back from Boracay and i have to make- embarrassingly, at hindsight now- a scene at the Seair office so they can freaking pay for the replacement.  all those 2pm calls that he made to let me know he has woken up from his slumber and all those 2-hour and 3-hour phone conversations to fix a fight or plan a holiday or just argue over why he thinks i was a brat and why i think he is insensitive. that moment when he complained the bartender at the hotel couldn’t get his favorite cocktail right. that night when we were so drunk we couldn’t find our way back to our our Boracay abode. the times he missed his flight and wasted his tickets to see me. the days leading to the breakup. the days leading to my breakdown.

it seems so long ago now and yet i remember them all so vividly. has there been no closure?, i wonder as i watched my yoga instructor called out the newbies in class for an introductory lesson outside the heated room. it has been six years and i have been happy since. a lot of stuff has happened; a lot of other stuff has hurt me more. a lot of stuff has replaced him and yet there it was, that rawness of the memory. 

i have apologized. but perhaps, i have never apologized enough. and perhaps- as he is reading this now- he will see that i am truly sorry for how it ended. between the two of us, he was the rock unto which the relationship has leaned on and i was the hammer that broke it all into pieces. my anger. my childishness. my insensitivity.

i do believe, more than ever now, that every relationship makes us to be who we are- or who we don’t want to be- on the next one. for what it was worth- and it was worth a whole lot- ours had made both of us a better person.

as the man who had made me deal with my anger and my demons in no way possible and had taught me how to rise above it all, that yoga practice was for you. i am deeply sorry.

and thank you.

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