lucidity in the madness of the moment

i feel like I am a trainwreck waiting to happen.  let me correct that: i feel like i am a trainwreck happening in slow motion. it feels like every day, a little bit of me is crumbling into pieces.  i have been sick- not continuously- but in periodic frequency even though it now looks like nothing is medically wrong with me at all.

i have been given hints that the stress and pressure at work may have been causing this.  i have always argued in the past few weeks, this was nothing compared to the year before. i was 8-months pregnant then, dumped by the father of my child, and working 18 hours a day juggling the demands of my work and have miraculously still end up delivering what turned out to be quite the happiest baby there is. and I have survived that and moved on.  but never have I vomited at the thought of my work nor felt so heavy at the sound of my responsibility that it may got you into thinking this must have been worse than it was a year ago.  that, or i have finally cracked.

the funny thing about this, though, is that people who finally lost it couldn’t possibly write about it in such impartiality. the fact I am still scribbling away in such lucidity would make one wonder if all of this is just a ruse. but in what universe would it may have been necessary to deceive myself that i have cracked? it just does not make sense at all.

eleven years. it seems appalling that it takes only eleven years for me to just lost it. people have worked for more and got out of the rat race with their sanity intact.  i am not even approaching 40 yet.  worse, i can actually look back right now to these eleven years with so much pride of what i have accomplished- not a hint of regret, not a hint of remorse.

what is happening? something have cracked.  and i do not even know what it is.


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