Conversations i have with God and the scholar i have picked

i had a conversation with God not too long ago, at the point i was almost certain i will crack.  it is almost shameful to admit this is a one-way relationship with him- something i am still slowly coming in terms with so i can change it for the better.  but i have designed my life in a way that it was so easy to keep him on the sideways when things are going very well and run back to him when things start turning shit. you would know how that is- that is how we usually treat our parents. i feel really bad about that but he doesn’t seem to mind. i had done it with him for the three decades of my life and he seems to understand it, better than i can justify why.

i had a conversation with God not too long ago, at the point i was almost certain i will crack. i guess, it was more of me talking and him listening. i am pretty sure he heard me because it always made me feel better afterwards. and things always get better afterwards.  i do not know how he does it but he has done this a lot of times in the past all throughout my life. funny, i never can remember asking him how. but then, do we ever ask our parents how they raised us through adulthood?

i thought of these because i felt the need to say, with sincere pride (if there ever is a thing), that i am truly blessed. he has taken care of me in consistency that i could not ever deserved.  i could only hope that more people grab the opportunity of sharing this relationship with him.

i thought of these because i felt the need to say, with so much happiness and gratitude, that i have decided to live my life trying to make the world a better place. i have not told him about this plan yet, but i suspected he knows. and i suspect he would like this idea.

if you remember a few months back, i told you about a scholarship i wanted to put up in the name of my daughter- who is one year and three months now.  of all the bad things i could say on the state of the education in our country, i still believe that access to education gives the less fortunate kids access to a better life. i am also aware that every year, intelligent elementary graduates of far flung rural areas could not go to school due to lack of funds. i wanted to address that. i also wanted to start small to make sure that i can see the success of every scholar we get from highschool to the job market.  it seems prudent to start with one. my goal was to earn enough passive income to be able to afford another scholar every year.

her name is Glen. she graduated salutatorian from one of the elementary schools in a far flung barrio outside the city proper. she was in a way lucky because she was the only child and her parents made it so because they thought it would be easier for them to send her to school if they only have to spend for her. i spoke with her twice- once before i made up my mind to pick her and another when she was already chosen. she was a fit. she is intelligent and she has enough confidence she can work on. she was humble (a trait i do not think i had when i was her age) yet ambitious (a trait i definitely had when i was her age). she made it as second of her class notwithstanding the fact that their worn out house has no electricity and she has to study her lessons using an oil lamp all throughout her grade school.

she told me she wanted to be an accountant. i remember i chuckled softly and thought how misled people are these days. when i was eight, my mother told me i should be an accountant because i would earn so much money. people will hand over a paper for me to review and they will pay for my signature. looking back at it now, mother probably have thought that was the simplest way to describe an accountant’s job.  i think back of that in pure fondness, in spite of its apparent manipulation. without her describing it as such, i would have been a writer. or another wife and mother struggling to keep her family financially afloat. my mother had, in a way, sealed my future. i asked Glen why she wants to be an accountant and she answered that she wanted to be able to find work easily and that her favourite subject is Math. it amazes me how simple the thinking of a child is. i found myself looking at her and smiling. i am interested to see how her interest would change once she gets more exposed. i was determined to help her succeed in whatever field she thinks would give her the best opportunity. down the road, she may or may not sponsor another one just like her. it would be awesome if she would, but i made a decision to not make this a requirement for every scholar i would sponsor down the road.

a friend of mine commented on why i need to put a label on this drive i have. do i really have to name it after my daughter’s name. why? i thought hard about that for days. do i really need to? that does sound a little bit of a show off. i came up to a realization that i do not need to but i want to. i want to name it Isabela Marguerite Po-Malota scholarship because i am proud of it and i wanted my daughter to grow up knowing and understanding why i started this drive and named this after her. i guess, in a way, in my own selfish reason, i want my daughter to be proud of me as i will be proud of the scholars this scholarship will sponsor.

i fancy i will have a conversation with God about this one of these days. and i hope, he will be proud of me too.


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