to kill a mockingbird

zsolt turned 38 yesterday.

tonight, i asked him if he has any wish or goal or a resolution. “anything?”

“i really do not have any.” he answered.

i did not really expect he would have any. for as long as i have known him, he was not the type of person to have any sort of goal or resolution. not the big ones that are supposed to rock mountains or make own’s life better anyway.  when zsolt wants something, he uses the “force”.

i find the notion very silly and irresponsible.  but over and over again, i watched him get through a rough spot and then another with this philosophy.  it drives me crazy to no end for i could not live in such unpredictable, go-as-you-please, will-deal-with-it-when-it-happens mantra.  it is quite dumbfounding he has managed to get the most out of it for 38 years.

it is also quite a shocker that having a kid did not change him a bit.  Grape was a game changer for me but perhaps, the bond between a mother and a child is way stronger than that of a father that only sees her a combined 30 days a year.

do not misunderstand that statement. i truly believe he loves her and she meant the world to him. Zsolt has this funny way of showing his affection.  and it is not like you could take a bus trip to PI from OZ.  but sometimes, i wonder if things would have been different if he sees her everyday.  and sometimes, i fancy that he has some big things plan for her that i do not know about.

“well, I will be getting the Google Nexus 7 soon, my dad’s birthday present to me.”  he said.

“i did not realize your dad is techie enough to know what you want!” i said, kind of surprised.

“well, he gave me some money and told me to buy something i like.” he clarified. ”

for a split second there, i thought about the father of my child and the world he is living in and how different it must have looked like, felt like from the reality i deal with everyday.  and for the second that followed that, i felt guilty to be even thinking about imposing on him the standards and expectations i have.  i have grown past that- i have decided to not be that kind of person to him anymore.

someday, he will have a plan. and a goal. and a direction in life.  and someday, he will get to tell Grape a wonderful story on how he ended up with one.


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